Dispatch from the Bean Orgy 🌯

By popular demand

Beans.

I love them and I always have. As a kid, I used to beg my mom to buy cans of black eyed peas and I would eat them straight out of the can.

One of my Los Angeles lovers once told me she thought girls smelled like beans and boys smelled like cheese. I asked which she prefered: beans. She smelled my armpit and told me that my bean scent made her horny.

Years later, New York was experiencing a bean craze. My friends and I just couldn’t stop talking about them. We kept texting each other bean memes. We were whipping ourselves into a horny froth. I thought of my bean lover and suggested a bean orgy.

This isn’t the first time I’ve spoken about the bean orgy, which was a magical and beautiful event that I will always remember with great fondness. After I did an interview with Gabriella Paiella for The Cut, who wrote an article about the bean mania, I’ve been peppered with questions about what happened at the infamous bean orgy. It’s time to put those questions to rest.

It was almost like a special bean ceremony for my friend. I asked her which beans she wanted to be used; she selected some beautiful varietals as well as mung bean noodles. I purchased a kiddie pool on the internet, sent out some invites, and she flew out to help me prepare.

Everyone was curious about the bean orgy; I urged them just to come and experience it for themselves. What does that mean? They asked. The brave ones showed up to my apartment in lingerie and stunning outfits. A large plastic kiddie pool in the shape of a pink heart was laid out in my living room and multiple pots of beans and mung bean noodles were cooking on my stovetop.

My lover changed into an elegant bikini and laid in the pool. I handed her a glass of psilocybin mushroom tea I had prepared for her.I slowly poured the warm beans over her body. It was sensual to watch them slide across her breasts, her neck, her belly.

A crowd began to gather around her. As I went back to tend the beans in the kitchen, others began to slather the beans on her. Another girl got into the kiddie pool with her and kissed her. Throughout the night, I whispered into her each, checking to see if there was anything I could do for her.

Then, we brought out the mung bean noodles. A handsome boy grasped some and began to sensually drag the bean noodles across her leg. By this point, my lover had come up, her eyes dilated and lips moist. We began to shout, “You are loved! You are a bean! And beans are beautiful! We love you!”

She slid around in the kiddie pool, rubbing the beans over herself, ecstatic. We kissed her and held her. She slid some beans into her bikini bottom and murmured with delight.

I could sense her bean experience was nearing a crescendo and went to my bathroom to prepare a bath for her. I filled it with soothing salts and lit some candles. I helped her out of the pool, away from the living room, and into the bath. I gave her a glass of water and a hug, talked with her about how she was doing.

When she was settled in the bath, I went out to the living room. Inspired by her joy and her passion, lovers were entangled on my couch and my living room floor. I went from guest to guest and asked each how they were doing, providing water and tea to those who wanted it.

I returned to the bathroom and my lover was coming down. I helped her out of the bath and dried her with a towel, wrapping her in it. She lay in my bed and I held her.

When I returned to the festivities, they were winding down. Lovers were cuddling and chatting quietly. As these sweet angels made their way home, I thanked them for participating in such a lovely night.

Credit Card Companies Hate Porn!

Banks hate hot girls and queers making money for being hot for the same reason the Catholic church hates extramarital sex. Controlling pleasure. It’s a lucrative business!

The sex industry makes billions in revenue every year; not enough of it goes to sex workers themselves. Instead, it lines the pockets of people who run tube sites and production companies, many of whom look quite like the bankers themselves.

OnlyFans and COVID-19 changed the industry. With popular porn girls able to make tens of thousands on their personal pages, shooting and working at home, it became way less appealing to get $800 for an all day professional shoot. Many people even started their own websites.

With MasterCard introducing new regulations for porn sites, being an independent producer just got a lot more tricky. The religious right has been pushing hard against porn since getting SESTA/FOSTA passed; we have a lot of organizing to do to prevent them from kicking us off the internet entirely.

Life…

On a more personal note, I’ve been busy lately. I finished the final draft of my book; it’s being proofread now! I sent the link for preorders out in the last newsletter, but in case you missed it, it’s here. If you can, please preorder it from your local bookstore 💕

I’ve also started mailing out all the comics from my kickstarter. You can order a copy here. There’s only a couple copies left; we only printed 350 and there’s less than ten left. I’m not sure Jen and I will ever print this again!

We’ve been talking about the next project we want to collaborate on, which will have way more of a plot. It’ll be a science fiction comic about a queer cyborg living in a dystopia where tech monopolies are ruining everything. There will be lots of queer sex, biohacking, corporate intrigue… keep your eyes out! ;)

Media Recommendations…

Mary Gaitskill

I’m almost mad no one has recommended her to me before! My editor told me to check out Bad Behavior and I adored it. It’s incredibly well written and satisfies the voyeur in me; Gaitskill peels back her characters like onions and puts every thought under a microscope. Everyone is flawed, pitiful even, but beloved by the writer despite all that. I was immediately reminded of Ottessa Moshfegh, who I wrote about previously. If you liked Homesick for Another World, I bet you’ll like Gaitskill’s writing as well.

In the same week, I’ve also finished This is Pleasure (an excellent short story exploring Me Too), Don’t Cry (another collection of short stories; the first few stories I didn’t quite like, but the second half are much better!), and Lost Cat (a short memoir available online for free; it was very moving, and the best short story I’ve read from her). I’ve bought the rest of her books and will report back on how I like them!

Torrey Peters

I finally picked up a copy of Detransition, Baby and loved it. Peters is queer and trans and although we’ve never met, I’m sure we’ve seen each other out dancing or a Riis beach before, a location that makes an appearance in her novel. I felt wonderfully seen by it; it captures a certain scene in New York that I hadn’t seen in a mainstream novel before. It’s compelling, sweet, and I finished it quickly.

For some reason I feel compelled to draw a comparison to Amy Tan; their work does feel similar to me. Both explore themes of family, love, and the pains that come from generational and cultural differences. Sentimental, without being quite too cloying. Highly recommended.

Legion

I usually only like to watch television with other people and it took me a while to find someone who was interested in watching Legion with me. It’s a psychological thriller taking place in the X-Men universe, but it’s not exactly your typical blockbuster superhero fare. Legion is welcome respite from the easily consumable Marvel and DC flicks we have been inundated with; it explores complex themes of delusions, trauma, and the elusive nature of reality. If you’re a fan of Satoshi Kon movies, particularly Perfect Blue, I think you’ll like this show.

The first two episodes are a little slow, but it quickly builds in pace and intensity. The production values are a little hit or miss; some shots are beautifully composed and color corrected, worthy of any art house cinema, while others feel a little more TV. Given that it was an FX show, I’ll forgive it.