I imagine a younger version of my mother, quaking in fear at the idea that I might be into such a thing as an adult. She was always disturbed that I was so drawn to magic. But how could I not be drawn to it? Potent, mysterious, esoteric, orgasmic…
If you’ve had a blissful meditation experience, you know it’s not too far from the overwhelming pleasure of orgasm. A sense of release, so fully present in the moment and in your body that all you can feel is pleasure. These days I’ve been frugal with my orgasms, sublimating all that erotic energy into my writing.
I actually really enjoy sex where I intentionally hold back from climaxing. Maybe you know I’m into tease and denial of others, but I also love to do it to myself. It’s like shaking a champagne bottle for a week, then aiming it at your target. BANG. You’ve got to be careful where you aim it, or you’re liable to take someone’s eye out.
My sex magic is all very intuitive; I don’t really have a specific method I use and never have. I don’t like rules!! I only realized what I was doing after I read other people describe their own practices. I’ve started incorporating little techniques from others, cherry picking things I like, leaving the rest. If you want rules to follow (which is perfectly valid!) Grant Morrison wrote a fun, easily approachable guide.
Magic is about what you bring BACK from the Shining Realms of the Uberconscious.
He also writes about brands, and how logos are a type of magic in and of themselves. He wrote this back in 2008 and I think it’s even more true now. How many people wear the logo of a brand, hoping that by wearing it, they will begin to embody it? How much of their own power do they unknowingly cede to that logo; how do people perceive them by association?
I usually avoid having brand names on my clothing; I used to take it to a further extreme by ripping the tags off of all my clothing. When I was much younger, I couldn’t put into words exactly why, but I felt very strongly that wearing clothing with text or logos was not something I wanted to do. I knew on a subconscious level that by shirking logos, I would be forced to develop my own identity, my own brand.
Now, of course, I have.
Reading all this, you may think I’m a bit manic. You may have the image of me, crazed, masturbating away, chanting and orgasming in a dim, candle lit room. For better or for worse, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve been waking up and cooking eggs and sausage for my lover, very domestic. She gets up ahead of me and brings me tea in bed, we eat, then we go off to our separate corners of the apartment and work. I’ve been writing and writing and writing.
At first I was continuing to write my erotic Hillary Clinton epic, which has honestly been great fun, and then I got notes back from the editor of my memoir, and I went back to working on that. That’s the joy of having multiple projects going at once; you can “procrastinate” but still be productive… 😉
I’ve been missing my in person work, my most darling clients. Unfortunately it doesn’t make sense for me to see anyone right now, but I’ve been corresponding with my favorites. I wonder how I will change the way I approach work once I’m not afraid of COVID.
I’ve realized how draining it was for me to meet new clients all the time, how it made my schedule deeply chaotic and made it nearly impossible for me to plan. I’ve also simply grown more picky. At first, I loved meeting every type of client, just because they were fascinating to me. How fun it is to get such an intimate glimpse of someone. And because I’m such a slut, it was a joy to fuck each and every one of them. But even before COVID, it was starting to be a bit more boring. I think the clients I didn’t click with could tell.
It’s quite an identity crisis! Who am I if not an easy, joyous slut?
But I can’t deny that I’ve grown tired of how rote some of the bookings were beginning to feel. Why are some men so lacking in imagination? So I will be changing my approach. No more overt advertising on the various sites, no more clients with whom I cannot have a satisfying intellectual connection with. I might even make newbies chat with me on the phone first! At least for now.
I drink matcha almost every day. It’s so delicious and it’s good for you! Caffeine is a potent antidepressant, can help prevent skin cancer, breast cancer, and a whole slew of other health benefits. And that’s not taking into account all the other great stuff in matcha like l-theanine. If you’re as obsessed as I am, Ippodo has a limited edition Spring Matcha available. I got it last year and I’m ordering it once again; it’s delicious! And impossibly cute packaging to boot. (Not an ad! Just sharing my obsession!)
Well, this week I have not been very high brow at all. I watched the Tiger Woods, Woody Allen, and Britney Spears documentaries. Oof. I’ve been thinking about celebrity and how intensely people project onto famous people. In a way, this relates back to what I was writing about brands; what happens to us when so much of our identity is based on a brand, or even another person?
America is obsessed with celebrities. I felt bad watching the Tiger Woods one. I wouldn’t watch it again. I wouldn’t want to encourage another documentary like that to be made. It felt so sad, seeing all of these “friends” of his speak so openly about his deeply personal pain, leaking videos of him as a child. Say what you will about Tiger, but his worst sin seems to be lying to his wife. If he was a white man, I don’t think anyone would care. I wasn’t surprised when I read he had been in a terrible car crash. I wish the press would leave him alone.
I only watched one episode of the Woody Allen documentary and it was deeply upsetting. Woody Allen is clearly, in my mind, a creep and a predator. So many women have spoken out about him grooming them when they were young teens, including his co-star in the very creepy movie Manhattan, wherein he dates a high school student.
I read a bit on Twitter about people’s opinions. People were throwing around this essay by Moses Farrow to defend him. I don’t doubt Moses’ story; I readily believe Mia Farrow abused her adopted children. I don’t believe that Mia’s abuse, however, means that Woody Allen isn’t a pedophile. If you want the full story, I recommend reading the full original judgement in 1993 by Judge Wilk.
Britney Spears. I have so much to say about this and was thinking about the best way to write it, but Tavi Gevinson (of former Rookie fame) wrote everything I was thinking about and more.
Beyond Manifestation - a friend gave me this fun planner. I love planners. If you also like planners, enjoy a bit of woo-woo, and like meditating, you might enjoy this. I am having a lot of fun with the daily exercises 😊
I am currently making my way through Uncanny Valley; I’ve read a few chapters so far and am unmoved. Either the book is a boring or I haven’t gotten to the good stuff yet. I am in the middle of moving, so I haven’t had as much time this week to do as much reading as I usually like.
Moving is weird! I’ve done it every year since moving back to the city. I think this next apartment will be one I stay in for some time. I haven’t said that about previous apartments, so who knows! I occasionally walk past old buildings I used to live in and feel a strange sense of mourning. In a lot of ways, it’s like breaking up. My favorite doorman said good-bye to me and Ina tonight, asked if we would be moving nearby. We won’t be. I will miss her!